In the previous post, I discussed Inner Conflict or Identity Shift that a new Muslimah goes through. Feeling like you’re starting life all over again, questioning “Who am I now?”

In this post, under the same umbrella of Inner Conflict and Identity shift , I want to discuss the struggle of balancing old personality, hobbies, and friends with new islamic values.

Let’s just be honest, it’s easy to say cut them all off – but it’s impractical and even inhuman in some cases.

One of the common questions I have heard is “do I need to let go of them all?”

What I would say is focus shouldn’t be “what all you have to let go” rather what all I want to embrace and become. The more you focus on having to let go, the tighter your grip will get on those things. Because when “new” comes you want to hold on to whatever is “familiar” in whatever capacity possible. That can look like continuing to have that same friend, or have that habit that still brings some level of comfort/familiarity.

When you focus on who you are trying to become, and piece by piece put together the path for yourself that leads to the vision you have for yourself – you automatically carve out pieces from your life that aren’t serving the vision you have for yourself. Whether it be friends or habits.

The key factor is focus on what you want to be, and not what you don’t want to be.

For example, if today you decide I want to be a “Good practicing Muslimah” – that’s too vague.

Be very particular and write down all the specifics. Just like when you would when you are building your dream home from scratch! I bet you’ll write down where exactly each window goes and how much light you exactly wish to have in each space. Similarly, write down specifics of who you want to be – where all in your soul you want to put walls, doors, windows and how much light you want to pour into your soul and what exactly will be the source of that light 🙂

Define for yourself what a “good practicing Muslimah” looks like to you – yes, to you! And as you do that, also research and find out if “your definition” is in line with the definition Allah and His Prophet (salla Allahu alashi was sallam) have of “Muslimah” – the “good” or “practicing” are words we have come up with. In Islam, you are either a Muslimah (basic level) or a Muminah (higher level) or a Muhsinah (highest level) – anything less than a Muslimah is a non believer – and that’s a very important point to remember, not to judge others but to evaluate our own selves.

With above said, remember it’s about Allah, His Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi was sallam) and you – nobody else. How and what people define “Muslimah” shouldn’t be your concern. If you ever allow yourself to worry about that, you’ll consistently be in grief – because one sister would tell you good Muslimah wears niqab and other one will say she doesn’t and so on.

As you go on this journey, make lots of dua and seek good teachers and companions – who can help you see the world through the lens of Qur’an and Sunnah and not duniya.

So, back to the original question – do you need to leave all your friends and hobbies? No.

You just need to move away from those that move you farther from the clear description of “Muslimah” that you have jotted down (based on Quran & Sunnah). And the easier way is to replace them with something else – empty spots are favorite places of Shiatan whether it be time or mind.

For example, you used to go out on Fridays with a non-muslim (or not practicing muslim) friend of yours and you know her thoughts negatively affect the version of you that you are trying to build (it can be her consistently mentioning about her boyfriends reminding you of you being alone in the present moment, it can be the western mindset of gender equality, it can be anything) – instead of just canceling meeting with her, decide what exactly you will be doing in that time and preferably choose a companion that’s more in line with your vision for yourself and if you don’t know anyone yet then maybe even take a book and read in the masjid.

On the point of companionship, I will say one thing – it is very important to write down what kind of companions are you looking for yourself. As your companions will either be support in the vision you have for yourself or they’ll be a hurdle. Once you have the characteristics of the companions you want written down: Make dua + put yourself in the places where people with those characteristics will be. It’s your need – you need to be the one putting in effort – remember that. It’s not about duniya, it’s about akhirah and if that’s the intention inshAllah every effort you make to find and maintain good companionship you’ll be rewarded for it.

So lovely sister, let me ask you, the vision you have for yourself – the detailed description of Muslimah you just wrote down – what all new beautiful changes you need to incorporate in your life for that vision to become your reality? [Don’t say she doesn’t lie, say she always speaks truth; Don’t say she doesn’t dress immodest, say she dresses modestly (define “modestly” too), etc]

Also, among all those changes – which ones you’ll immediately work on (1 decision at a time), which ones you’ll work on within next 6 or 12 months?

Quick Self Tip: Be kind and merciful towards yourself in this journey. How easy or hard this journey is going to be for you is dependent on your willingness or resistance to accept new. Remember, you need to clean a home before you decorate it. Removal is in many ways simply emptying the space for new beautiful things, people, hobbies, opportunities and above all Yourself 🙂

Quick Community Tip: Allow people to go through their journey at their own pace. Some times well intended push towards goodness, only pushes people away from the path. Don’t impose your vision on them. Don’t impose your ideas of what their life should look like on them. People who come to islam (born muslim or reverts) are not anyone’s “project.” They need support and guidance as siblings in Islam – they are not looking to be adopted or raised by anyone.

Your Nafs Transformation Coach

Areena Ali Memon

Thrivingwithareena@gmail.com