Today’s topic is a sensitive one.
May ALLAH show us truth as truth and falsehood as falsehood (aameen)
The “D” Word, which many of you may have already guessed is DIVORCE.
It is a scary word for far too many people that come from into-pak culture. But it’s time that I share my thoughts on this, in hopes that maybe someone who needs to read it will get to read it (in sha ALLAH).
Let’s first be clear that my opinions and worldview only comes from Deen. Culture to me has never been important, other than some aspects which if included in life can make life more beautiful Alhamdulillah. I strongly believe our Deen has all that we need. Anything extra, if it doesn’t contradict with our Deen we can choose to add into our lives – if we wish to.
While cultures see Divorce as a scary and bad word.
In the light of Islam, Divorce isn’t really that scary. Divorce word to me is synonym of Mercy, Hope & Second Chance. It is from the mercy of our Rabb that unlike other religions we are not expected to live and die with same person no matter how miserable the life is for both or either of them. Our deen recognizes that two very good people can end up having to choose divorce [For example: Zaid bin Harith (radiyallahu anhu) and Zaynab (radiyallahu anha)].
But definitely, divorce is and should always be seen as last resort. As a way out for both individuals to have a better life without each other. Some times two people just don’t make a good match for each other. And forcing such relationships can cause fitnah in their deen.
One of the biggest issue divorced people face is that we are expected to speak ill of our ex-spouses to somehow justify our decision to separate. But why must we? and how is it right? A person that has been another person’s libas for any amount of period is now all of a sudden expected to make their ex nude in public or else the world just assume it is woman’s fault? Maybe she just didn’t have sabr?
If needed for consultation, etc, we must discuss matters with necessary parties. However, we shouldn’t ever go around spilling beans about what is done dealt with. Once divorce is done. It’s done. Why backbite? Why spill beans?
If keeping one’s head high and choosing to not humiliate one’s ex and also the respectable relationship (i.e. marriage) that they had within themselves means people just assume it’s the woman’s fault then FINE. Because above all is ALLAH, who knows what happens behind closed doors each and every second. And it is only ALLAH whose opinion really matters. We must not get low and humiliate either of the parties.
Wherever the life takes us, we should let the deen be the lens through which we see everything.
I do think our communities need better education in how to handle the shock of someone we know getting divorced. Because truth is, as Muslims, we do keep things private when it comes to marriage and when all of a sudden people find out about divorce – it kinda shakes them. Because in many ways people hold on to each other – “if xyz can deal with it, I can too.” And they kinda feel lost, like one more home broken, “do we stand a chance, if they broke up.” So yeah, definitely education in this area is needed for communities to better handle the shock and be actually there for those that are the ones really grieving.
What I can advise is, some times just saying “I am there for you if you need anything” or “may ALLAH make it easy for you” may be the simplest most beautiful thing you can say to someone in that time. I know many people who just don’t know how to respond, so may be just stay silent – that’s better than asking the person “are you happy?” (yes, I literally heard someone ask that to a lady who was recently divorced).
May ALLAH guide all of us, strengthen our relationships and guide us to solidify our character through prioritizing ALLAH in our lives (aameen)
