It is “Mother In Law”

Our Deen teaches us to be on the middle path but the world around us focuses on extremism. We think of people to be extremely good or extremely bad, both are wrong and both ways of thinking will disappoint you and me. Because no one is fully good or bad. People have good and bad both in them, but some times one has more of one than the other. Also, a person can be a good person in general but has his/her shortcomings in certain relationships.

With above being said, it is unfortunate that women expect their “mother in law” to be like their own mother and if it doesn’t happen as they expect they gift their husband’s mother (reminder: it is mother of your husband) with the term of “monster mother in law” (which is very commonly used on Internet nowadays). In either case, you are signing up for a disaster in this Duniya and/or Akhirah.

One’s mother in law can never be like one’s own mother. This is just how it is. SubhanALLAH, Islam is realistic. And Our Lord is the Most Wise. In Islam, the relationship of Mother in law and daughter in law is not of any specific rights and duties. There are no specific rights and duties in this relationship as are in the case of mother and daughter relationship or husband and wife relationship, etc. However, there are rights that they both have over each other as Muslims. While it sounds sweet and cute to have a mother in law who is like your mom to you, it is impractical to say that you would want your mother in law to be like a mother to you because only one’s mother can forgive and overlook our short comings. All the stupid mistakes we make with our moms, cannot be made with one’s mother in law. There is a reason there is Jannah underneath one’s mother’s feet, how can somebody else easily get the rank of one’s own mother? It is also impractical to expect one’s mother in law to treat you like her own daughter, because let’s just accept it – no one would tolerate someone else than one’s own mother trying to correct her on anything/everything.

Regardless of how one’s mother in law is and how she is treating her daughter in law, one should never cross the boundary of respect. Referring to one’s mother in law with the terms like “monster mother in law” is the height of disrespect, especially when done in front of others. The least one should ponder over is that one is speaking of the man’s mother with whom one shares bed. Opening one’s tongue in this manner, as though one doesn’t fear anyone is a very bad characteristic in any human being, regardless of gender. One should always fear ALLAH when alone and in privacy. I in no manner am denying the torture and abuse many sisters go through via their mothers in law, but my beloved sisters crime of one doesn’t justify crime of another. In times of trials and tribulations we should seek help through patience and prayer (And seek help through patience and prayer… (2:45)). If there are any problems in the relationship they need to be fixed with wisdom. Foul language and calling of bad names has not benefited anyone and will not benefit anyone. In our Deen, calling people with offensive nicknames is not permissible*. Rather, Prophet Muhammad (Sallahu alayhi was sallam) said that it is the right of a Muslim to call his fellow Muslim by good names and titles which they like best (Maariful Quran p135 v.8). We all make mistakes and commit sins, but it is never too late to repent if we are still alive. Repenting and correcting one’s ways is the key here.

You are not expected to love her, but you have to respect her.

Reality is that as she is not one’s mother one has to be more careful and respectful with her, and try not to give her any chance to complain because she won’t be able to overlook your faults and mistakes the way your mother does. The relationship of a mother in law and daughter in law is a very delicate one, it should not become a relationship of power struggle rather be of mutual respect. Complications in this relationship cause the most stress to the one who is beloved to both of them, one’s son and other’s husband. Both women should give each other’s rights which they have over each other as Muslims and also space. Many of the problems which lead to expressing one’s hatred with foul language and bad name calling root from one big problem that is “lack of space and freedom.” In any case, the daughter in law should be more respectful towards the mother in law as she is elderly and above everything she is mother of her husband.

Lastly, sisters please stay away from that constant competition women try to have of who is lucky in the mother in law department of marriage. Everyone has his/her own test, let’s just end it on this. For tips with regards to in laws, you can check this blog post of mine.

* http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=115714